Gack

JWise Photo of the Day

Cockroach

Oh my god, I woke up this morning with this in my ear!!! Just kidding. But seriously, Caroline woke up with it crawling across her forehead. Fortunately, I caught it, as last time Caroline caught one I nearly disgorged the upper third of my digestive system. A little-known fact about Germans, a secret they guard due to the universal disgust most people of the world would find with this act, is that they love fresh cockroaches and will pop them into their mouths like a fresh gummi bear. Blech, it is so gross but sadly true, my wife is a cockroach-eating connoisseur. And because I thought many of you might not believe this disgusting morsel is a welcome hors d’oeuvre in Caroline’s repertoire of culinary indulgences, I have saved this roach after having it pose for the camera, just in case I needed a follow-up photo showing her munching down on this extraordinary insectian crudites of sorts. Bon appetite or as they say in German: “Fold six legs up, hold down the wings, in with the head, crunchy crunch crunch!” – of course in German it sounds much better.

Major John to Ground Control

JWise Photo of the Day

John Wise waking up from sleep study utilizing a cpap device

At 2.00 a.m. I am awoken first by some ear-piercing feedback and then the voice of Bing, my sleep technician who has wired me for the sleep study I am doing. His voice comes in low and soothing on a speaker over the bed telling me he’s going to come in and put the CPAP (“sea-pap”) device on my face – uh, ok. At this point, I thought the study was a failure because I felt I had been barely asleep at all and so how could he have heard snoring or seen signs of apnea? Apnea is the momentary stopping of breathing and in my case, according to my wife, I stop breathing for 5 to 10 seconds and then gasp for air. During sleep this causes people to momentarily awake although we don’t know it and in turn, we don’t really sleep correctly, deeply enough, or restfully. So I figure Bing is putting on the mask to see if I can fall asleep or something, but heck, it’s 2:00 a.m., what do I know?

As Bing the sleep tech leaves the room, turns off the lights, there’s his voice again, “John, I’d like you to lay on your back and try to go to sleep” – whatever. Like this is going to happen, it’s just going to be one long wasted night and I’ll have to reschedule for another study – crap. Zzzzz, I’m out. I tried rolling onto my side where I usually sleep, but the mask isn’t exactly comfortable in that position so I am again on my back. Finally, I’ve had enough of this and I ask Bing what time it is and if he has enough data: I’m wide awake and ready to leave. He tells me it is 6:00 a.m., and I’m flabbergasted. Where did the time go? Strangely I am not groggy at all, I am crystal clear and not drowsy at all. Matter of fact I can remember two dreams and from the past year, I have had difficulty knowing if I have dreamt at all. It finally becomes clear, I slept horribly from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. and 2:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. went by in 2 minutes because, for the first time in years, I slept like a baby – so maybe I actually do snore, and do have apnea, I won’t know the final details until August 23rd on my follow-up with Dr. Hooper.

Much Needed Electroshock

JWise Photo of the Day

Wired for a sleep study

Tired of thoughts, thinking, decisions, and responsibility I snuck away this afternoon for some electroshock therapy to wash my brain of myself so I could be a more likable, non-aggressive, and a know-nothing allowing me to enjoy TV, professional sports, plastic chest enhancers, blonde highlights, white-framed sunglasses with gold trim, tramp stamps, pierced lips, McDonald’s, George Bush, war, blind consumption, bass from other peoples cars, and two or three other things that I can’t remember now because of fried neural connections no longer working – I think, well I don’t but I guess, maybe, probably.

A sleep study is the reason for the wiring, you hopeful, wishful John haters. I will still be a know-it-all, aggressive, unlikeable curmudgeon, just a well-rested one after this I hope.

Half a Halo of Rays

JWise Photo of the Day

The sun is behind a dark narrow but tall cloud with dramatic sun rays extending out from the edges of the cloud

Today’s sky is dedicated to Chinese filmmaker, actor, and producer Wei Lo, hence the reference in my title to his film titled Half a Loaf of Kung Fu. Suppose it could have been dedicated to Jackie Chan as Half a Loaf was his first comedic film role. Lo Wei was maybe most famous for his film Fists of Fury with Bruce Lee. Anyway, how I made the connection to Half a Loaf of Kung fu is because I titled the photo Halo of Rays but then thought, it isn’t really a halo as a halo should be round and this is a little more than half, so, Half a Halo of Rays. Then, when looking for something to tie into that inspiration I read that Lo Wei had passed away in 1996 and so it felt like a nice moment to remember the famous man and his work.

Zzzzz…

JWise Photo of the Day

The inside of an empty elevator at a doctors office. The elevator is bland, beige in color with flourescent lighting.

Today I visited a doctor specializing in sleep disorders. The elevator I had to take to his floor nearly put me to sleep. For years I have snored, so loudly as to have people beating on hotel room walls trying to have me turn down the decibels. Somehow, Caroline has grown relatively used to it, all but the interruptions in breathing. I suppose  hearing someone next to you stop breathing without knowing and you lie there waiting for the breathing to resume until it comes with a gasp, that might be a bit disconcerting. So after years of torturing my wife and explaining the problems to my primary care doctor, he recommended I visit Dr. Hooper at Arizona Lung and Sleep Disorder, we’ll see what comes out of it – yawn.