* Kitchen in a $ 1,200-a-month apartment in Florence, Italy

“Hey, I’ve got a great idea. After a year of pandemic isolation and working from home, why don’t we head somewhere else for a month or two to remote work from there?” The wife says, “That sounds wonderful; why don’t you start looking for places?”

Where the HOLY hell did this glue sock come from that’s obscuring my perception of our current reality?

One month from June 1st to the 30th in Florence, Oregon, the average price of the first ten listings on a popular rental site is $2,884. Well, ideally, we wanted to escape for two months, so we’re looking at nearly $6,000 in extra rent to place ourselves up “near” the coast. If you want an ocean view, that’s gonna run you between $4,000 and $10,000 a month.

Maybe we should look inland? Off to Paris, Texas, my searching eyes drifted; the average rental price there is $4,700 a month. I see that outside of town and 16 miles west near the town of Petty, Texas, we can grab a place for only $1,930 a month. Maybe the area comes with a premium due to its proximity to Dallas, which is only 103 miles (166km) away.

Let’s try a really small town, say Vienna, Georgia, with a population of only 3,664 people; we should certainly be able to afford something there, right? Well, that’ll set us back $2,400 a month, and a couple of the options are for private rooms, not even a small apartment.

Okay, one more try, and the dart lands in Berlin, New Hampshire. Nope, $3,103 for a month.

But John, what were you hoping for? How about we just go down the list? You should have seen a particular trend and that I was aiming for something, so here goes.

* Kitchen in $5,200 a month rental in Florence, Oregon

A month in Florence, Italy, over the same dates would cost Caroline and me $1,167. Summer in Paris, France, south of the Seine in the shadow of Notre Dame in the Latin Quarter, is a mere $1,807 a month. Or maybe a return visit to Vienna, Austria, near the museums again, that was fun? A month in Vienna this year would cost $1,228. Finally, the capital city of Berlin, Germany, would set us back $1,651 per month, but that’s the price for being within walking distance to Alexanderplatz, Museum Island, the Brandenburg Gate, and Tiergarten.

I did not start this exercise with the idea of comparing American cities with European places with famous names, but after giving up on finding inexpensive options in the United States, I wanted to see how inflation had played its hand in Europe. On average, the lodgings across Europe this year would be $1,463, but I’m easily finding places for under $1,000 a month as we’re not all that picky. Heck, even in London, England, a mile walk from Buckingham Palace would be a pricey $2,940 a month this summer. Excluding Paris, Texas, and taking the price from Petty, Texas, instead, the average for us to rent a place across America would cost us more than $2,000 a month, and in all of these situations, we would be far away from any cultural amenities.

Should you be thinking that things would be cheaper in larger cities here in the states, well, Los Angeles would cost about $4,000 a month, Seattle about $3,000, while New York City is coming in at a quite reasonable $2,700 a month but still about $1,300 a month more than in Paris, France; Berlin, Germany; Vienna, Austria; or Florence, Italy.

To be honest, I’m pissed about this situation as it says a lot about the inflated prices for homes in America and the ridiculous turnover of properties, always necessitating new mortgages that drive up the costs of owning homes. Such is the price of rampant capitalism, I suppose.

Maybe we should consider a motorhome? Right, $100,000 for the motorhome, $130 a month to store it, fuel costs in a vehicle that might get 10mpg (4.2km per liter), and then the $30 to $50 for a hookup spot while “camping.” So, what’s the real cost of Caroline and me taking out an RV for 60 days a year? Loan payments on that size purchase are $1,286 per month, fuel costs for 4,000 miles would be about $900, add camping and storage for a yearly cost of $19,632 or $327 a day if we used the RV 60 days a year. We’ve not touched on the subject of maintenance.

Then it dawns on me while this blog entry is sitting here waiting for Caroline to edit it: we are not supposed to be truly mobile; we are supposed to stay put in our heavily mortgaged homes and the abundance of junk that fills our garages and yards. Mobility happens in short spurts that last a weekend or maybe five days while we head to the lake, the dunes, or Disneyland. The average person’s time out and away is supposed to fit in with their two weeks of vacation per year. Even when you retire, you park your RV at a campsite while working as the host so you can save money, and the state saves money by giving you a minimum-wage job while you collect your social security.

So, who goes out for months at a time? The wealthy do, and the wealthy do not want to socialize with their fellow Americans because they know they are, by and large, a crass and vulgar bunch. Out of the media’s mouth and amongst the impoverished and middle-class, there is a lament about the French, and yet, in any given year, the French see more real estate dollars pouring into their country from wealthy Americans than from anyone else. France is great if you are a wealthy American but is the butt of jokes if you have an average education and income.

You are supposed to be bound to your home; it’s your proverbial castle. What a dumb way of life! It’s time to move back to Europe.